June 2, 2018June 2, 2018 jathan

You Will Break. But Will You Be Beautifully Broken?

Faith, Mental Health

Ernest Hemingway said, “The world breaks everyone, and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills.”

Just this past week, at a conference for ministers, I was reminded of just how profound these words are. 

At the first night of the conference, we were given a card and asked to check the following boxes that applied.

• Are you feeling discouraged in your life or ministry today?
• Have you battled depression?
• Have you wanted to walk away from ministry?
• Have you battled physical sickness?
• Have you dealt with marriage or family issues in your own life?
• Have you felt your church or the church you’re serving will not grow beyond its current level?
• Have you dealt with financial pressure?

There was a time in my life and ministry when I would have proudly checked few if any of these boxes. And, foolishly, I would have done so thinking that such a sanitized life was not only a testament to my impeccable character and internal resolve but also a classic demonstration of Jesus’ power to keep those who believed in Him from experiencing all the bad stuff.

Isn’t this why Jesus endured the cross?

I thought so. But then, at this point, I thought I had it all together, also.

I was raised in a pastor’s home, followed all the rules, kept my nose clean, and was blessed because of it. We “reap what we sow”, after all, and I’d sown a lot of good seed. Consequently, I’d reaped a bountiful harvest – peace of mind at night, a great marriage, growing family, and an upward turning ministry arc.

However, today, after twenty years of ministry, raising a sick child, having burned myself out while pastoring, having resigned my church because I couldn’t beat my own battle with depression, and reaching a point where I’d completely lost confidence in my calling, I checked more of these boxes than not.

But unlike my younger self, I was able to do so without a hint of shame or condemnation.

My face didn’t flush as I scribbled on the card, neither did I try to hide my marks from my neighbor as if it was my written confession of an unforgivable sin.

Instead, I filled out my card with the kind of gratitude of one who now understands a bit more about what the Cross really means.

As the ushers passed the basket to collect the cards, I dropped mine in not as penance, but as a worship offering to God’s unfailing love. The kind of love that is so far beyond the realm of human love that I now know my job is not to rationalize it but to open up and embrace it. Especially when I feel I don’t deserve it.

In hindsight, that’s the place where God’s been trying to get me all along. To the place where I stop allowing my check marks to define my unworthiness, and start allowing them to testify of His goodness.

As part of the exercise, a few moments after we’d turned in our own cards we were given a card from an anonymous fellow attendee. The idea was that we were to look at the boxes they’d checked and pray for them and their struggle. Ironically enough, the card I received had only one box checked.

That’s a pretty clean life. For now.

So I prayed. But not just that God would give them the grace to endure or be healed of their physical sickness that they’d indicated on the card.

Instead, I prayed that when the pressures of ministry get so great that they want to quit, they’ll be reminded that Jesus wanted to quit in the Garden of Gethsemane also. And had to pray for help to endure.

I prayed that when depression starts squeezing the very life out of their soul that they’ll remember that when Jesus proclaimed that He came to heal the broken-hearted, He did so knowing that the addict and the prostitute and the abused aren’t the only ones whose hearts can shatter into a million pieces.

I prayed that when they can’t get it together in their own personal and family life as they try to be an example to others, they’ll remember that being a godly example is not limited to getting it right all the time, but is best demonstrated when we allow God’s strength to be magnified in our weakness.

I prayed in this manner because if they live a little long enough they’ll need it.

These are not my words, they’re His.

For in John 16:33, Jesus said, “…In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

And overcoming trouble with the strength of the Cross will see you not just being strong in the broken places, but being beautiful in the broken places.

What About You?

Do you find yourself having to “check boxes” of which you are ashamed? Do you find yourself hiding your flaws and stumbling beneath their weight as you try to carry them alone?  Do you have trouble believing that restoration is possible in your life?

Let me know in the “comments” section. I would love to hear from you.

P.S. Here is the link to the song Beautifully Broken written and performed by Woodlawn Church who hosted the conference. This song has ministered to me deeply. Give it a listen.