July 25, 2016June 3, 2017 jathan

5 Lies Your Middle School Child Tells

Parenting

Back to School
It’s about that time again. School supplies are being bought. New outfits are being purchased for the older siblings. Old outfits are being passed down to the younger siblings.

As for me, I’ve begun to make the trek back into my middle-school classroom for early preparation. Knowing all the while that there are just some things that I can’t prepare for. As a teacher, you just have to accept that the unexpected is quite the norm in the middle-school classroom. This is because middle-schoolers are completely unpredictable themselves.

Teachers can’t predict their behavior. Parents can’t predict their behavior. Even THEY can’t predict their behavior.

There are plenty of books that scientifically lay out the uniqueness of this transitional age. In short, your middle-schooler is not a child anymore yet they’re not a full-blown young adult either. They are in an awkward meta-morphological phase that leads to the parent asking “Who are you and what have you done with my child?”

Parenting your children through middle school is a wild ride that feels more like surviving than thriving. As you embark on another school year I want to pass on five lies that your middle-schooler will tell you. If you are aware of them going in, your year will be better for it.

Lie #1 – “I didn’t know.”
This first lie is me breaking the news to you that your child does, in fact, lie.

Their fallback excuse for everything is “I didn’t know…”

• I didn’t know the assignment was due today.
• I didn’t know there was a school rule against that.
• I didn’t know you didn’t want me to ride the bus home with that person.
• I didn’t know the window would break if I threw a rock against it…honest.

We teachers do make mistakes, no doubt about it. And perhaps administrators do as well 😉 So yes, there are those times when the teacher actually DID NOT communicate properly that the assignment was due on Friday. Nine times out of ten, however, your sweet little darling is lying to cover their rear end. This doesn’t mean that your child is going to be a serial killer. This doesn’t mean that you’ve failed as a parent. This just means they’re human and are testing their boundaries.

What you should do:
Call their bluff. Don’t let them get away with it. The worst thing you can do is embolden their deceit by blindly taking their side in every dispute.Verify their story without bias. Good teachers welcome communication from parents that are honestly seeking the truth.

Lie #2 – “I’ve never seen porn.”
Okay. Maybe they haven’t yet…yet. One of the most disturbing societal trends is the accessibility to pornography on smartphones. When I was a kid one had to work pretty hard to get their hands on this kind of thing – usually in the form of a magazine. Those days are long gone. I recently read a riveting article on CovenantEyes.com on this very topic. The synopsis of the article was:

It’s not a matter of IF your child will be exposed to porn. It’s when. Do you have a strategy to deal with it when that time comes?

Perhaps your child has little propensity or curiosity toward these things. But they have friends that do. Sadly, your child could be an innocent bystander that gets sucked into it. Even accidental exposure, however, can snowball into a harmful, lifelong, addiction if not nipped in the bud.

Students have access to their phones at some point throughout the day depending on school policy. There is no possible way that teachers or administrators can perfectly monitor smartphone activity during these times.

What you should do: Communicate with your child. Spy on their phone constantly. Understand that they lie. Educate yourself and develop a strategy for dealing with this issue at this vulnerable age. And whatever you do, don’t buy into society’s dangerous philosophy that there’s nothing harmful about porn.

Lie # 3 – “I don’t need to take my meds anymore.”
I realize that we do live in an over-medicated society in which medication is often an excuse to cover behaviors that can and should be treated by different means. I’m also aware that pharmaceutical companies, doctors, insurance companies, etc. are getting rich from this system. You’ve got no argument from me on that.

But be careful not to throw the baby out with the bathwater. If your child does legitimately have a behavioral or learning challenge that can be effectively corrected with medication you’re doing a disservice to your child if you don’t move heaven and earth to make sure they get it and take it every day. Here’s why.

I’ve seen brilliant students make straight F’s because their ADD was so acute. They just COULD’T pay attention. They COULD’T keep up with their materials. They COULD’T keep their hands to themselves.

And as a teacher, there was nothing I else I could do to help them. With these types of students, it’s not a discipline issue…it’s a physiological issue. A physiological issue for which there is now a cure. Please don’t let your child fall behind academically and develop a behavioral rap sheet unnecessarily.

What you should do: Pay attention to their trends at school. Are their grades falling? Are their discipline issues rising? If so, you may need to get your child tested. Once prescribed, make sure they take their meds EVERY DAY. If there are side effects that are challenging, try a different medication. If you are completely against medication, try out alternative healing strategies. Just don’t play the fiddle while Rome burns.

Lie # 4 – “I don’t care what people say about me.”
The old saying goes, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” This saying is never more untrue than at the middle-school age. I know your thirteen-year-old pushes you to the brink of your own sanity with the lunacy that comes out of their mouths. Their perplexing behavior is a form of Chinese water torture that wears your nerves paper thin. Sometimes you just feel like really going off on them verbally. Please don’t.

Take a deep breath and keep in mind that your child’s self-worth is hanging by a thread at this age. Additionally, there is no telling what’s being said about them at school. Middle school students can be cruel to one another.

The growth of social media has made gossip and bullying more prevalent than ever. This means that your middle-schooler needs a go-to person that speaks positively of them. That person needs to be you.

What you should do: There is a proverb that says “Death and life are in the power of the tongue…” (Proverbs 18:21) Speak what you want them to become…even though you can’t see it in that moment. Speak life, not death, to your middle school alien.

Lie #5 – “I hate your stupid rules.”
Middle-school children are in the full-on anarchy mode. They will test every boundary you have in place. They will try to stay out later than their curfew. They will try to wear clothing that you’ve forbidden. They will try to stay on screens longer than you allow. They will try to go places that are off-limits. All the while chanting the mantra “I hate your stupid rules.”

That’s a lie. They won’t admit it but your rules bring them comfort. Most importantly, your rules make them feel loved.

When you don’t care how late their child is out, it makes your child feel like you don’t care about them at all. I’ve had more than one student tell me this.

What you should do: Stand strong in your boundaries. When you lighten up and let them stretch their wings, do so in moderation. Don’t buy into the idea that they are ready for autonomy. To do so is akin to letting a five-year-old play with a loaded 9mm. They’re just not ready. They need your boundaries. And yes, they even want them.

 

You are their MVP (Most Valuable Person)
As a teacher, I’m most successful with those students whose parents have a balanced level of involvement in their lives. These parents have both a healthy trust and mistrust of their children based on this unique age. These parents constantly communicate with them. They communicate with their teachers. They communicate with their administrators and coaches. They never figure it all out, but do  make much more progress than they think during this crazy time.

Please be the parent in the relationship this school year. Be there. Be firm. Be loving. If you do so, your child and you just will most definitely survive this middle-school year. And who knows, with a little luck, you might even thrive.